How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Randomize
