tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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