I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
