I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
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oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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