You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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