So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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