My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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