We're like a lot better than the average bears
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
