I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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