when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
