I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
