I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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