in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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