In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
