Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
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