worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
