I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Randomize
