I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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