Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
