On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
