hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Dating After Heartbreak
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw