I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
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after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
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Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you