i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
