dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
