Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
