He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
