WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
