There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
