I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
