Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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