my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
