I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
