please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
