$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
