If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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