i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
