bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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