she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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