and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
