Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
