I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
