onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
