I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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