I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
