Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
