I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
