You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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