the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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