I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
