Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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