so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
