Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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