Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
