Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
