direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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