Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
