i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Help me help you realize you are a moron
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
